“In relationship, you love because you love, not because you expect to be loved in return.”
I used to believe this with all my heart, used to even tell this line or a version of it to friends who were heartbroken because they felt unappreciated, unloved. Maybe I was able to believe it so fully back then because I was so sure of how he felt for me. And maybe because I loved him so much, I never even stopped to think about myself or how I felt. I just did everything I did because I loved him. I wanted him happy, satisfied, content.
It was never a conscious thing, the contempt I began to feel. I did not take time to look back at how our lives have been going and suddenly decide that I was not happy anymore, that I felt unappreciated. No. Because the thing is, I was happy. And I knew that he loved me. But like the speck of dust that tips the scale, the final straw was such a small thing, such a small event, that I myself was caught unawares by the magnitude of my anger.
I know we could have talked about it. I know I could’ve brushed it off and forgotten about it. But something inside me crumbled. Something inside me died. And when he left and never looked back, I knew what I lost. It was hope for us, for everything to be back to how we were.
I guess the question goes back to this: Who’s to blame? Is it me for never speaking out? Is it him for not understanding and walking away?
Some questions remain unanswered. And looking at where we are now, broken and apart, this will be one of those questions that will forever haunt us.