Checkmate.

Funny how just a week ago, I wrote about us and how our love is something no one can destroy. Part of me wants to go back and delete that post. Another  just wants to read it over and over again, hoping that there is some magic in those words, some talisman that would bring it all back, bring you back.

The reality is that this is my doing. And like all decisions made in anger, regret has begun stealing in, clouding my judgment, making me question if I made the right choice. It is so easy to give in, to beg forgiveness for words said that I might not have really meant. The pain of being apart is unbearable, a knife lodged in my heart, making even the simple act of breathing a labor of pain.

But I think back on what happened. I think back on the promises we made, when times were good and we had no inkling of the storm ahead. I have kept my promise to always take care of you, to love you with no hesitation, no doubt. I have stood by you, even when anger and pride made me want to leave. And among all things, and perhaps most important of all, I have always put you and your needs over mine.

Some  say that the measure of love is in the grand gestures we make. I think love is when caring for someone becomes second nature. Love is when you don’t even think about yourself anymore, or your anger or disappointment. When you know that the one you love needs you, you’d drop anything to be there for them. We made a commitment to love each other and that should have meant never letting the other suffer just so you can prove a point.

Maybe this is something we’ve never understood about each other. That you love me and care for me, I have no doubt. But apparently, anger, mistrust, or pride is stronger than that love.  I would never have let you suffer.

In writing this, my resolve has grown. Yes, I know that I may be making the worst decision of my life. I may be losing the one person that I love more than anything or anyone. But I also know that until you see this the same way that I do, nothing will change between us.

I have changed so much for you, but I know in no way this means you should do the same.

But there it is. Your move. And if it’s not going to happen, then all this waiting will not be in vain. At least I know that for you, I am not worth it.

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2 thoughts on “Checkmate.

  1. OMG! i have to admit I have yet to read any of your entries. I just felt compelled to comment because I’ve missed you! I held on to my blogroll for so long thinking you’d be back but you disappeared. Glad you’re back and with a new site at that! Ok, basa muna. 🙂 good to see you again, CJ! Mwah!

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