here’s what you left me

here’s what you left me

a broken heart

and a tiny constellation of warts

before you,

i never thought warts were contagious

in fact, i never thought about warts at all

you used to laugh so hard

because you tricked me into believing that warts happened naturally

that they suddenly sprouted on my skin like minuscule mushrooms

for no reason

when i found out the truth about them,

i feigned anger

because who wanted warts, after all?

but this sick, crazy voice in my head also said,

“that’s one more thing of his you’ve got,”

and i was happy

now that you’re gone

all i am left with are memories,

and these warts

funny how the weirdest things

sometimes become the most important thing of all:

your lifeline

 

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last wish

don’t tell me it’s over

please wait

wait until i realize it for myself

wait until i wake up to the truth

that when you walked out the door,

it was not a pause, there was no promise to return

instead, it was an ending,  final

that this photo i have in my hands,

of us eating ramen, of all things

is the last time we were ever happy

i want to always remember you like this

eyes shining, with that big, goofy smile you make

only for me

 

allow me to pretend

that nothing has changed

that this silence

is just time,  it’s stretched, it’s not real, you’re not gone

allow me to pretend

that one day, when i wake up,

i will read your message,

and it would say,

“good morning, babe. i love you.”

like you always do

i want to stay in this lie

this fantasy i created for myself

my very own time loop

like some fucked up episode of a really bad sci-fi anthology

if i can stay here forever, i would

because that would mean i can avoid the truth

 

the world without you,

it just isn’t a world i want to live in

so, please

help me keep reality at bay

don’t tell me it’s over

not yet

not ever

 

 

What have we done?

A long while back, after one of our big fights, I told you that I was worried because I’ve started to feel apathetic whenever we have an argument, whenever you wanted to leave me. My heart was bruised, and I wanted to make sure you understood that for someone like me, someone who would fight thousands of battles for you, apathy means the end. I’ve come to realize that it isn’t anger or jealousy or disappointment that kills a relationship. It’s when you no longer care what happens that drives the knife and cuts the ties that bind beyond repair.

I’m not sure if this is how it feels to give up, only because giving up has never been an option for me, especially when it’s about us. All I know is that my days are spent consciously trying to avoid thoughts of you. In the past, I would’ve done everything in my power to save our relationship. I don’t feel that now. Mostly, I feel exhausted. Bone tired, trying to forget, move forward, make myself believe that I am not actually dying of pain.

But who knows, right? More often than I can count, I’ve found myself driving home from work, ugly-crying to breakup songs and Sam Smith. Every time I see your photos on my phone, I have the urge to throw it away, or hug it, which really doesn’t make any sense. I’ve woken up to dreams of you leaving, only to realize you’ve left.

Is this the end? I don’t really know. It may be the end for you, but I’ve always been such a masochist. I’d probably love you until I’m broken in a thousand pieces. Until then, I will live in this state of numbness. Nothing will wake me up from this.

And that’s okay.