Letters to you.

Hey you,

It’s been 3 months since the break up and I’m proud you got this far. You thought that your world was ending, but surprise! Here you are, broken but fighting. The past few months have been difficult. You’ve spent more nights crying yourself to sleep than you care to admit to anyone. You’ve put on this show, but the number of bottles you’ve drank far surpass the number of forced smiles you’ve given people whenever they ask, “Kumusta na man mo?” 9 years is a lifetime, and you can forgive people for believing that you and him would last forever. You almost believed it, too.

I’ve seen how many times you’ve tried to make sense of what happened. I’ve seen you go through the stages of grief, deluding yourself into thinking you’ve “accepted” things, only to find yourself crying at every Sam Smith song like a deranged person. I want you to know that the mistakes you made do not define you. And while you still love him, you can’t be together anymore. You are no longer his only happiness, as much as he isn’t yours. You can’t see this now, but hang in there. It will happen.

I know the last relationship has left you wary and scarred, and the thought of putting yourself out there again scares you senseless. You’re a 33 year old gay guy (which might as well be 60 in the LGBT world), and other than your intense dislike of the song “Hayaan mo sila”, you’re pretty average, really.

The thing is, you don’t need to start dating again to feel whole. In the past few weeks, you’ve found comfort in the most surprising places. You’ve rebuilt bridges you thought were broken when you left behind a world just to create a new one with him. You’ve learned so many things about yourself, rediscovered the overwhelming love of family and friends, and found that most the time, you’re okay with just being you.

Kahibaw ko naa’y times nga struggle jud. Labi na karon o, hapit na ang Valentines. Lami i-maoy sa? Maoy lang. Just know that I’m here and I’m not going anywhere. I will accept you in all shapes and sizes, and in all states, too: crazy, delusional, nihilistic, masochistic, whatever. We’re in this together, you and I. That, I can promise. Happy Valentines, self. I love you.




So the boy and I have gone to several beaches and pools over the past month or two. I’m loving it, but I have to admit I miss my lazy weekends. You know, those weekends you spend in bed just reading or watching movies and only getting out of bed when you’re hungry. Or is this just me? Haha. Anyway, we still have a couple more escapades left before the summer ends so here are some pictures of us!







Forever summer.

When I think of summer, I conjure images of lazy afternoons spent in bed, just reading. Or days on the beach with my cousins, catching waves and getting darker by the day. I remember meeting with friends and drinking until dawn. I guess I’ve never really gotten over the feeling of nostalgia that summer brings. And that’s why it has always been my favorite time of year. Something different happens during these months, there’s a palpable change in the air, a softening of light,  a slowness in things. I love it. And as a result, the boy and I and some friends  have jump-started our summer with trips to the beach and have more plans for the next two months. I hope you enjoy yours, too!








Lost boy, big city.

New Year in the big city! Hahaha. I am prepared to be mesmerized again. I remember the boy and I visited the capital a few months ago for a few days, and we were in awe of BGC and Makati and all that. Hahaha. Such losers. I mean, I know Cebu ain’t that bad, but really, I feel like I’ve become such a provincial, so used to the laid back island atmosphere that Cebu somehow retains no matter how busy things get. I wouldn’t trade Cebu for Manila, though, no offense to the locals. It’s just that Cebu is really great, although probably lacking in diversity. Anyway, I’m sure it will be fun. Hope to see some, if not all of you there!

How do you survive a break up when you’re 30 years old. Or almost?

The old cocktail doesn’t work anymore. The get-drunk-get-laid as often and as much as possible remedy is just not something that holds any appeal. I guess it comes with age and the realization that beauty is fleeting. Something that would never occur to you when you’re just 20 and the world is a buffet. Or so they say.

Sort of drunk while writing this. Is love really worth this pain? I just don’t know anymore. And I don’t think I’ll ever fall in love again. It just doesn’t make sense. Why would anyone want to go to through all this trouble?

It’s incomprehensible. Love shouldn’t be this difficult.

I know I’m not making any sense.

Right here, right now.

While the typhoon raged last Friday, I remember thinking, “This isn’t too bad. I’m scared, but I expected worse.” And I thought it would be the same elsewhere. I thought with all the warnings and all the reports, people would be more prepared.

And now, seeing the havoc that Yolanda caused in Tacloban, in most parts of Cebu and the rest of the Visayas, I can’t help but feel immense guilt. Guilt for even thinking that way, guilt for surviving unscathed. Guilt for being okay while thousands lost their lives and homes and means of living.

My heart is breaking. I never thought it would cause so much damage. Over the weekend, the sun shone bright in Cebu and I stayed home with the boyfriend praying that other places had a similar fate. We didn’t watch the news, we didn’t even go out because I was sick. So when I arrived at the office today and saw all the reports, I was devastated.

And amidst all that I’ve read, nothing hit closer to home than what Georgia Jauslin (https://www.facebook.com/georgia.jauslin) wrote:

Status Update
By Georgia Jauslin
I didn’t want to post this but I can’t hold it in much longer. The unpopular opinion is always controversial but Facebook asked me what’s on my mind, so here it goes.

It is a wonderful trait of Filipinos to be positive and resilient in times of adversity, which is indeed an admirable aspect of the Philippine culture. However, I cannot help but feel nauseated by this CNN comment that has been so countlessly shared across social networking sites which for me, seems to make people miss the bigger picture.

Because having such “resilience” is not going to erase the facts – the facts that we have known for the last one hundred years. The Philippines is in the motherfreakin’ Ring of Fire. On top of that, we are a favorite destination for typhoons and tropical storms yet our country remains completely unprepared for such disasters. It rains for a couple of hours in Manila and the whole city gets flooded. Storms browse through our country and we remain to gamble with the odds. These things, among others, have been happening for the past decades. It’s NOTHING NEW. Yet each time disaster strikes, we act like it’s the first time.

I just don’t understand how we can remain so brainwashed to believe that somehow, things are even REMOTELY ACCEPTABLE, because somehow, we always make it through, somehow things work out fine for the Filipino people, that we forget to see what is happening right under our noses – People die. People that shouldn’t be dead are dead now. Thousands of people lost their homes and that shouldn’t be the case.

I know many people say that the government can’t control everything. The last time I criticized the government, many people didn’t take that kindly at all. But what we forget is that this is the government’s responsibility. That’s what the government is for. Something as big as this is not civil responsibility but our deserved right from the government. We cannot manage such an aggregate, macroeconomic part of our country on our own – that’s why this is the government’s responsibility. We cannot always rely on private funding and charity from local and international sources to fix these problems. It is NOT okay that corrupt government officials get to burn millions of dollars for their personal pleasures and they can’t give us an infrastructure and disaster plans that the people deserve to SURVIVE.

I think what is happening in this country is a terrible crime against humanity – a blatant neglect of the government against the people. Please don’t let any form of misguided nationalism blind you from the truth. The Filipinos are such good-natured people and the government is taking advantage of exactly that – our resilience. And the only reason why I wasted my time writing this is not to criticize or hate but because we have such a beautiful country – and we deserve better.

And I go back to thinking about what my mom used to say when she talked about her younger years. During her time, people used to care, especially the youth. They staged riots, they took to the streets whenever the government messed up. They wrote propaganda, they spread the word not meekly,  as we are now wont to do, but right where it mattered. They gave a fuck. Now, we (I) look at protesters and activists with a hint of disdain; because they dare to act, they dare to do something about the mess we’re in. And in doing so, they disrupt our lives. They cause traffic, they flood the news, their desperation sometimes nothing short of pathetic. We’ve become so jaded, so cynical that we look at these bursts of heroism as nothing more than a nuisance.

And this is exactly why nothing is happening to our country. I know there are a lot of people who think like I do. We’ve become so apathetic, so convinced that nothing will change that any thought of doing something seems futile right from the beginning, a seed doomed to die.

Not anymore. Today, my team and I began planning a benefit concert and a donation drive for the typhoon victims. I want to do something big. By myself, I know I can’t give much, but by bringing in the people around me at work and my friends and social media, I am hoping that we can give back so much more to those people.

The first step is always the most difficult. The time to act is now.


We live our lives thinking that we have control over it, that we are captains of our own destinies. We live thinking of a future where were are great, accomplished, happy. Our days are spent thinking of what we can do tomorrow, next week, next year. Yet, it only takes a minute to remind us that there are greater powers at work, that it will only take one second for Death to take us.

If there is one thing I’ve learned throughout this terrifying experience, it’s to always, always try to appreciate what I have today: the knowledge that I am imperfect and human but capable of kindness and compassion, the love of my family and friends, and the blessing of finding that one true love. In the end, this will be all that matters.

Friday Rant.

I know it’s in bad form to end the week in a sour note. I know I have a lot to be happy about. It’s Friday! I’m free (for two days)! I just had braised beef with mushroom and gravy and mashed potatoes and it was heavenly!

But the Emmy Nominations came out today and I’m pissed. No love for The Americans? Really? None for Keri f*cking Russel who is completely transformed as a Russian spy? No love for a show that has so easily avoided the usual tropes and maintained tension  all throughout the season? You suck, Emmy people.

Then I also see that Emilia Clarke (Daenerys) gets a nod but Lena Headey (Cersei), or even Michelle Fairley (Catelyn) didn’t. In what world is Emilia a better actress than Cersei and Catelyn? Don’t misunderstand, I love Emilia and I think she’s good, but she has never brought the same level of performance that the two other women consistently give.

And then I go to Facebook and all I see are these statuses and photos starting with “____ pag may time”  in reference to an action that these people actually do a lot (shopping, eating, getting drunk, whatever!). I just want to shout at these people and ask them to stop for a minute and think whether it actually makes any sense because I am sure it doesn’t. It astounds me how some people just swallow these new fads without any thought.

ANYWAY. I’m supposed to have dinner with the bosses but I decided to go home and spend time with the boy and I go text him and he’s like, “Why? I thought you were going.” And I reply with, “Well, I canceled.” And he said, “Why?” And then said, “Would you rather I go?” And he said, “Did I say that?” and there goes the whole evening.

So there. Anyway, I’m off. I’ll prepare a mean chicken salad for our dinner and it will hopefully make me forget the mood I’m in.

Have a great weekend, everyone! Virtual hugs to all (and high fives for the guys? I find fist bumps so awkward. I never know how much force to apply and I do not know how high it should be and all that. Hahaha! And it always starts off so weirdly! Are you gonna high five me? Oh no, it’s a fist bump!)



So… I have been gone for over a week? I remember asking for more work because I was becoming so bored and now that it’s happened, I want to knock myself out. It has come to the point that I go home completely exhausted that all I want to do is just sleep. And I’m never like that. I’d try to spend every minute doing something I love, whether it’s just reading a book or writing. Anyway, I just wanted to take this time to say hi to everyone and I’m hoping y’all are having a better day/week/life than I am. 😀

Before I go on a bloghopping spree wherein I invade your personal spaces and make weird-ass comments, allow me to share some random thoughts. After all, this is what this blog is all about, a medium for me to just let loose. So here goes!

Random Thought Number 1: Self Image

I’ve been too obsessed with this lately. 2 or 3 years ago, I went through a phase wherein I thought I was HUGE and dieted and exercised like crazy but never really became satisfied with any weight loss. I still thought I was fat. And now, I look at my pictures during those days and realize how skinny I actually was (well, not really skinny, but you know, I was way thinner than I thought I was). I know I’ve gained weight and it just makes me crazy. One of the things that I swore I’d have before I reach a certain age is to have a slamming body and time is running out. I kinda feel hopeless whenever I think of this.

Random Thought Number 2: Haunted

The sleep issue is still continuing. I’m beginning to think that I’m being haunted. I don’t know. I just couldn’t get through a night without waking up in terror, thinking someone or something was out to get me. It is terrifying. The only way that I can get through a deep sleep is through physical exhaustion. Can sleeping pills be bought over the counter?
Random Thought Number 3: 5 Years

Not so random, more like something that I think about every other hour. My boyfriend and I will be celebrating our 5th year anniversary this month. I was aiming for Manila but I don’t know how to fit that to our schedule. I want to do something really nice for him, for us. On our 3rd year together, we went to Boracay and nothing has really topped that yet.

Random Thought Number 4: I Hate Facebook

It makes me abhor people I used to think were okay. Seriously. It’s either I find out that their completely jologs or that they do not make sense at all. It’s good that a friend showed me how to prevent their updates from showing on my feed.

So there. That’s it for now.  Off to your pages, then!