here’s what you left me

here’s what you left me

a broken heart

and a tiny constellation of warts

before you,

i never thought warts were contagious

in fact, i never thought about warts at all

you used to laugh so hard

because you tricked me into believing that warts happened naturally

that they suddenly sprouted on my skin like minuscule mushrooms

for no reason

when i found out the truth about them,

i feigned anger

because who wanted warts, after all?

but this sick, crazy voice in my head also said,

“that’s one more thing of his you’ve got,”

and i was happy

now that you’re gone

all i am left with are memories,

and these warts

funny how the weirdest things

sometimes become the most important thing of all:

your lifeline

 

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What have we done?

A long while back, after one of our big fights, I told you that I was worried because I’ve started to feel apathetic whenever we have an argument, whenever you wanted to leave me. My heart was bruised, and I wanted to make sure you understood that for someone like me, someone who would fight thousands of battles for you, apathy means the end. I’ve come to realize that it isn’t anger or jealousy or disappointment that kills a relationship. It’s when you no longer care what happens that drives the knife and cuts the ties that bind beyond repair.

I’m not sure if this is how it feels to give up, only because giving up has never been an option for me, especially when it’s about us. All I know is that my days are spent consciously trying to avoid thoughts of you. In the past, I would’ve done everything in my power to save our relationship. I don’t feel that now. Mostly, I feel exhausted. Bone tired, trying to forget, move forward, make myself believe that I am not actually dying of pain.

But who knows, right? More often than I can count, I’ve found myself driving home from work, ugly-crying to breakup songs and Sam Smith. Every time I see your photos on my phone, I have the urge to throw it away, or hug it, which really doesn’t make any sense. I’ve woken up to dreams of you leaving, only to realize you’ve left.

Is this the end? I don’t really know. It may be the end for you, but I’ve always been such a masochist. I’d probably love you until I’m broken in a thousand pieces. Until then, I will live in this state of numbness. Nothing will wake me up from this.

And that’s okay.

 

 

Random.

So… I have been gone for over a week? I remember asking for more work because I was becoming so bored and now that it’s happened, I want to knock myself out. It has come to the point that I go home completely exhausted that all I want to do is just sleep. And I’m never like that. I’d try to spend every minute doing something I love, whether it’s just reading a book or writing. Anyway, I just wanted to take this time to say hi to everyone and I’m hoping y’all are having a better day/week/life than I am. 😀

Before I go on a bloghopping spree wherein I invade your personal spaces and make weird-ass comments, allow me to share some random thoughts. After all, this is what this blog is all about, a medium for me to just let loose. So here goes!

Random Thought Number 1: Self Image

I’ve been too obsessed with this lately. 2 or 3 years ago, I went through a phase wherein I thought I was HUGE and dieted and exercised like crazy but never really became satisfied with any weight loss. I still thought I was fat. And now, I look at my pictures during those days and realize how skinny I actually was (well, not really skinny, but you know, I was way thinner than I thought I was). I know I’ve gained weight and it just makes me crazy. One of the things that I swore I’d have before I reach a certain age is to have a slamming body and time is running out. I kinda feel hopeless whenever I think of this.

Random Thought Number 2: Haunted

The sleep issue is still continuing. I’m beginning to think that I’m being haunted. I don’t know. I just couldn’t get through a night without waking up in terror, thinking someone or something was out to get me. It is terrifying. The only way that I can get through a deep sleep is through physical exhaustion. Can sleeping pills be bought over the counter?
Random Thought Number 3: 5 Years

Not so random, more like something that I think about every other hour. My boyfriend and I will be celebrating our 5th year anniversary this month. I was aiming for Manila but I don’t know how to fit that to our schedule. I want to do something really nice for him, for us. On our 3rd year together, we went to Boracay and nothing has really topped that yet.

Random Thought Number 4: I Hate Facebook

It makes me abhor people I used to think were okay. Seriously. It’s either I find out that their completely jologs or that they do not make sense at all. It’s good that a friend showed me how to prevent their updates from showing on my feed.

So there. That’s it for now.  Off to your pages, then!