here’s what you left me

here’s what you left me

a broken heart

and a tiny constellation of warts

before you,

i never thought warts were contagious

in fact, i never thought about warts at all

you used to laugh so hard

because you tricked me into believing that warts happened naturally

that they suddenly sprouted on my skin like minuscule mushrooms

for no reason

when i found out the truth about them,

i feigned anger

because who wanted warts, after all?

but this sick, crazy voice in my head also said,

“that’s one more thing of his you’ve got,”

and i was happy

now that you’re gone

all i am left with are memories,

and these warts

funny how the weirdest things

sometimes become the most important thing of all:

your lifeline

 

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last wish

don’t tell me it’s over

please wait

wait until i realize it for myself

wait until i wake up to the truth

that when you walked out the door,

it was not a pause, there was no promise to return

instead, it was an ending,  final

that this photo i have in my hands,

of us eating ramen, of all things

is the last time we were ever happy

i want to always remember you like this

eyes shining, with that big, goofy smile you make

only for me

 

allow me to pretend

that nothing has changed

that this silence

is just time,  it’s stretched, it’s not real, you’re not gone

allow me to pretend

that one day, when i wake up,

i will read your message,

and it would say,

“good morning, babe. i love you.”

like you always do

i want to stay in this lie

this fantasy i created for myself

my very own time loop

like some fucked up episode of a really bad sci-fi anthology

if i can stay here forever, i would

because that would mean i can avoid the truth

 

the world without you,

it just isn’t a world i want to live in

so, please

help me keep reality at bay

don’t tell me it’s over

not yet

not ever

 

 

What have we done?

A long while back, after one of our big fights, I told you that I was worried because I’ve started to feel apathetic whenever we have an argument, whenever you wanted to leave me. My heart was bruised, and I wanted to make sure you understood that for someone like me, someone who would fight thousands of battles for you, apathy means the end. I’ve come to realize that it isn’t anger or jealousy or disappointment that kills a relationship. It’s when you no longer care what happens that drives the knife and cuts the ties that bind beyond repair.

I’m not sure if this is how it feels to give up, only because giving up has never been an option for me, especially when it’s about us. All I know is that my days are spent consciously trying to avoid thoughts of you. In the past, I would’ve done everything in my power to save our relationship. I don’t feel that now. Mostly, I feel exhausted. Bone tired, trying to forget, move forward, make myself believe that I am not actually dying of pain.

But who knows, right? More often than I can count, I’ve found myself driving home from work, ugly-crying to breakup songs and Sam Smith. Every time I see your photos on my phone, I have the urge to throw it away, or hug it, which really doesn’t make any sense. I’ve woken up to dreams of you leaving, only to realize you’ve left.

Is this the end? I don’t really know. It may be the end for you, but I’ve always been such a masochist. I’d probably love you until I’m broken in a thousand pieces. Until then, I will live in this state of numbness. Nothing will wake me up from this.

And that’s okay.

 

 

Right here, right now.

While the typhoon raged last Friday, I remember thinking, “This isn’t too bad. I’m scared, but I expected worse.” And I thought it would be the same elsewhere. I thought with all the warnings and all the reports, people would be more prepared.

And now, seeing the havoc that Yolanda caused in Tacloban, in most parts of Cebu and the rest of the Visayas, I can’t help but feel immense guilt. Guilt for even thinking that way, guilt for surviving unscathed. Guilt for being okay while thousands lost their lives and homes and means of living.

My heart is breaking. I never thought it would cause so much damage. Over the weekend, the sun shone bright in Cebu and I stayed home with the boyfriend praying that other places had a similar fate. We didn’t watch the news, we didn’t even go out because I was sick. So when I arrived at the office today and saw all the reports, I was devastated.

And amidst all that I’ve read, nothing hit closer to home than what Georgia Jauslin (https://www.facebook.com/georgia.jauslin) wrote:

Status Update
By Georgia Jauslin
I didn’t want to post this but I can’t hold it in much longer. The unpopular opinion is always controversial but Facebook asked me what’s on my mind, so here it goes.

It is a wonderful trait of Filipinos to be positive and resilient in times of adversity, which is indeed an admirable aspect of the Philippine culture. However, I cannot help but feel nauseated by this CNN comment that has been so countlessly shared across social networking sites which for me, seems to make people miss the bigger picture.

Because having such “resilience” is not going to erase the facts – the facts that we have known for the last one hundred years. The Philippines is in the motherfreakin’ Ring of Fire. On top of that, we are a favorite destination for typhoons and tropical storms yet our country remains completely unprepared for such disasters. It rains for a couple of hours in Manila and the whole city gets flooded. Storms browse through our country and we remain to gamble with the odds. These things, among others, have been happening for the past decades. It’s NOTHING NEW. Yet each time disaster strikes, we act like it’s the first time.

I just don’t understand how we can remain so brainwashed to believe that somehow, things are even REMOTELY ACCEPTABLE, because somehow, we always make it through, somehow things work out fine for the Filipino people, that we forget to see what is happening right under our noses – People die. People that shouldn’t be dead are dead now. Thousands of people lost their homes and that shouldn’t be the case.

I know many people say that the government can’t control everything. The last time I criticized the government, many people didn’t take that kindly at all. But what we forget is that this is the government’s responsibility. That’s what the government is for. Something as big as this is not civil responsibility but our deserved right from the government. We cannot manage such an aggregate, macroeconomic part of our country on our own – that’s why this is the government’s responsibility. We cannot always rely on private funding and charity from local and international sources to fix these problems. It is NOT okay that corrupt government officials get to burn millions of dollars for their personal pleasures and they can’t give us an infrastructure and disaster plans that the people deserve to SURVIVE.

I think what is happening in this country is a terrible crime against humanity – a blatant neglect of the government against the people. Please don’t let any form of misguided nationalism blind you from the truth. The Filipinos are such good-natured people and the government is taking advantage of exactly that – our resilience. And the only reason why I wasted my time writing this is not to criticize or hate but because we have such a beautiful country – and we deserve better.

And I go back to thinking about what my mom used to say when she talked about her younger years. During her time, people used to care, especially the youth. They staged riots, they took to the streets whenever the government messed up. They wrote propaganda, they spread the word not meekly,  as we are now wont to do, but right where it mattered. They gave a fuck. Now, we (I) look at protesters and activists with a hint of disdain; because they dare to act, they dare to do something about the mess we’re in. And in doing so, they disrupt our lives. They cause traffic, they flood the news, their desperation sometimes nothing short of pathetic. We’ve become so jaded, so cynical that we look at these bursts of heroism as nothing more than a nuisance.

And this is exactly why nothing is happening to our country. I know there are a lot of people who think like I do. We’ve become so apathetic, so convinced that nothing will change that any thought of doing something seems futile right from the beginning, a seed doomed to die.

Not anymore. Today, my team and I began planning a benefit concert and a donation drive for the typhoon victims. I want to do something big. By myself, I know I can’t give much, but by bringing in the people around me at work and my friends and social media, I am hoping that we can give back so much more to those people.

The first step is always the most difficult. The time to act is now.

Shaken.

We live our lives thinking that we have control over it, that we are captains of our own destinies. We live thinking of a future where were are great, accomplished, happy. Our days are spent thinking of what we can do tomorrow, next week, next year. Yet, it only takes a minute to remind us that there are greater powers at work, that it will only take one second for Death to take us.

If there is one thing I’ve learned throughout this terrifying experience, it’s to always, always try to appreciate what I have today: the knowledge that I am imperfect and human but capable of kindness and compassion, the love of my family and friends, and the blessing of finding that one true love. In the end, this will be all that matters.

Friday Rant.

I know it’s in bad form to end the week in a sour note. I know I have a lot to be happy about. It’s Friday! I’m free (for two days)! I just had braised beef with mushroom and gravy and mashed potatoes and it was heavenly!

But the Emmy Nominations came out today and I’m pissed. No love for The Americans? Really? None for Keri f*cking Russel who is completely transformed as a Russian spy? No love for a show that has so easily avoided the usual tropes and maintained tension  all throughout the season? You suck, Emmy people.

Then I also see that Emilia Clarke (Daenerys) gets a nod but Lena Headey (Cersei), or even Michelle Fairley (Catelyn) didn’t. In what world is Emilia a better actress than Cersei and Catelyn? Don’t misunderstand, I love Emilia and I think she’s good, but she has never brought the same level of performance that the two other women consistently give.

And then I go to Facebook and all I see are these statuses and photos starting with “____ pag may time”  in reference to an action that these people actually do a lot (shopping, eating, getting drunk, whatever!). I just want to shout at these people and ask them to stop for a minute and think whether it actually makes any sense because I am sure it doesn’t. It astounds me how some people just swallow these new fads without any thought.

ANYWAY. I’m supposed to have dinner with the bosses but I decided to go home and spend time with the boy and I go text him and he’s like, “Why? I thought you were going.” And I reply with, “Well, I canceled.” And he said, “Why?” And then said, “Would you rather I go?” And he said, “Did I say that?” and there goes the whole evening.

So there. Anyway, I’m off. I’ll prepare a mean chicken salad for our dinner and it will hopefully make me forget the mood I’m in.

Have a great weekend, everyone! Virtual hugs to all (and high fives for the guys? I find fist bumps so awkward. I never know how much force to apply and I do not know how high it should be and all that. Hahaha! And it always starts off so weirdly! Are you gonna high five me? Oh no, it’s a fist bump!)

Ciao!

Random.

So… I have been gone for over a week? I remember asking for more work because I was becoming so bored and now that it’s happened, I want to knock myself out. It has come to the point that I go home completely exhausted that all I want to do is just sleep. And I’m never like that. I’d try to spend every minute doing something I love, whether it’s just reading a book or writing. Anyway, I just wanted to take this time to say hi to everyone and I’m hoping y’all are having a better day/week/life than I am. 😀

Before I go on a bloghopping spree wherein I invade your personal spaces and make weird-ass comments, allow me to share some random thoughts. After all, this is what this blog is all about, a medium for me to just let loose. So here goes!

Random Thought Number 1: Self Image

I’ve been too obsessed with this lately. 2 or 3 years ago, I went through a phase wherein I thought I was HUGE and dieted and exercised like crazy but never really became satisfied with any weight loss. I still thought I was fat. And now, I look at my pictures during those days and realize how skinny I actually was (well, not really skinny, but you know, I was way thinner than I thought I was). I know I’ve gained weight and it just makes me crazy. One of the things that I swore I’d have before I reach a certain age is to have a slamming body and time is running out. I kinda feel hopeless whenever I think of this.

Random Thought Number 2: Haunted

The sleep issue is still continuing. I’m beginning to think that I’m being haunted. I don’t know. I just couldn’t get through a night without waking up in terror, thinking someone or something was out to get me. It is terrifying. The only way that I can get through a deep sleep is through physical exhaustion. Can sleeping pills be bought over the counter?
Random Thought Number 3: 5 Years

Not so random, more like something that I think about every other hour. My boyfriend and I will be celebrating our 5th year anniversary this month. I was aiming for Manila but I don’t know how to fit that to our schedule. I want to do something really nice for him, for us. On our 3rd year together, we went to Boracay and nothing has really topped that yet.

Random Thought Number 4: I Hate Facebook

It makes me abhor people I used to think were okay. Seriously. It’s either I find out that their completely jologs or that they do not make sense at all. It’s good that a friend showed me how to prevent their updates from showing on my feed.

So there. That’s it for now.  Off to your pages, then!

Swamped.

Work has been hell this week. Sometimes, when I think about all the things I still have to do, I feel like vomiting. Which is funny, considering I don’t even have the time to eat anymore. I feel like time has just completely disappeared and I have accomplished nil.

I supervise three small teams of account managers. I love my job and I love the company I work for. It has just become so ridiculous that I spend almost 12 hours at work and I find myself doing things I’m not supposed to be doing. I know I’m good at what I do. It just sucks that I’m the kind of person who dislikes pushing back and actually loves the challenge of additional tasks.

I’m not particularly ambitious. Aside from the fact that I like my work (except for these instances wherein I find myself so completely overwhelmed), I keep this job because it pays well and it allows me to give something extra to my mom and my sister. But really, I can have any job and be contented.

I don’t know if I’m making any sense anymore.

Anyway. Uhm. Yeah, let me know how your weeks are going. Please. Hahaha. That’s it! Be blog hopping in a bit!

Mikhail Gorbachev.

In gay lingo (in Cebu, that is), old people are referred to as “gor.” I do not know why that is and for the longest time I thought it was in reference to Mikhail Gorbachev, once president of the Soviet Union. I used to say, “I look so Gorbachev,” and my friends would look at me with confusion on their faces. I thought they got the reference, but apparently, I’m the only one who thinks this way.

Is this post leading anywhere, you ask. Well, yeah, I’m getting there, I think. Over the weekend, I binge-watched The Americans (See? Another Russian reference!) and I was totally enthralled. I couldn’t count the number of times I wasn’t gritting my teeth, wondering if Phillip or Elizabeth were about to get caught. It is the most thrilling, thought provoking, emotional series I’ve seen in a while. I read an interview from the creator of the series and remember him saying that above all, it was about marriage and commitment. And in the midst of everything that happens on this show, the core really is about the principles you hold dear, and when, or even if, you should keep them or let them go.

Which leads me to my next point, which is I do feel so Gorbachev. I mean, I spent the weekend SLEEPING and watching DVDs! This used to be unthinkable, back when I was younger. The CJ of yore would’ve spent the weekend getting drunk, partying, and generally, just having the time of his life. But the truth is, I love the feeling of staying home. I actually WANT to spend my free time in bed, reading, or just watching a movie with the boy. Is this a sign that my heydays are over?

I really don’t know. Sure, I miss going out and getting drunk, and wondering what the hell happened the night before. I miss the days when I would show up at work smelling of booze and falling asleep on my keyboard (No, not really). But even if I do, do I want to go back to that life? Sometimes, I think I do, and I know enough to know that it’s when I feel most insecure about my relationship or my life. But more often than not, I find myself loving this phase. There’s a certain peace about knowing exactly what you want in life. And I think it comes with age, the realization that the things you used to love when you were younger just don’t hold the same allure anymore.

The best thing that I can think of that comes with getting older (and knowing and accepting it) is the fact that I know when to dress appropriately. I think it’s just the saddest thing to see a grown man or woman wearing clothes fit for someone a decade younger. I just want to grab them and talk to them and shop with them. You can look great, no matter what age. But you have to understand your body and your looks for it to work. 

Did I lead you anywhere? I thought so. It’s Monday and my mind isn’t really working. 😀 I hope you guys are faring better than I am. Cheers!

 

Gone in 60 Seconds.

A friend said,

Accept him for who he is, flaws and all. If you decide to, then stop complaining. Stop whining.

If you don’t, leave.

I guess, it really is as simple as that.

When your happiness completely revolves around ONE person, I think it’s time you rethink your choices and options.

I have decided to love him, fully and completely. However, one of the things I will keep for myself is the simple happiness that small things give me, such as blogging. Or working out. Or just writing.

Love (I’m talking about the verb here and not the concept). That’s all that really matters.