last wish

don’t tell me it’s over

please wait

wait until i realize it for myself

wait until i wake up to the truth

that when you walked out the door,

it was not a pause, there was no promise to return

instead, it was an ending,  final

that this photo i have in my hands,

of us eating ramen, of all things

is the last time we were ever happy

i want to always remember you like this

eyes shining, with that big, goofy smile you make

only for me

 

allow me to pretend

that nothing has changed

that this silence

is just time,  it’s stretched, it’s not real, you’re not gone

allow me to pretend

that one day, when i wake up,

i will read your message,

and it would say,

“good morning, babe. i love you.”

like you always do

i want to stay in this lie

this fantasy i created for myself

my very own time loop

like some fucked up episode of a really bad sci-fi anthology

if i can stay here forever, i would

because that would mean i can avoid the truth

 

the world without you,

it just isn’t a world i want to live in

so, please

help me keep reality at bay

don’t tell me it’s over

not yet

not ever

 

 

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This is happiness.

So I wanted to update my blog but found that I needed more time to really make a post that made sense so I figured I’d cheat and post some pictures instead. Hahaha. The past few days just has been so crazy. Hopefully, you’d know more about me and my life with this post. I’m talking like I have hundreds of readers but that’s the beauty of blogging, isn’t it? It sure beats talking to myself. 😉

Like the title says, this is just really about the things ans people that make me happy and warms my heart. Cheesy no? Hahaha. Expect a lot more on this blog. 😉

My boyfriend of 4 years. ♥

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My nieces because they’re just so adorable!

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Friends!

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Books books books. I’d read just about anything.

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That’s it for now! 😉 These are just some of things that make me happy and all warm inside. I ain’t difficult to please.

Checkmate.

Funny how just a week ago, I wrote about us and how our love is something no one can destroy. Part of me wants to go back and delete that post. Another  just wants to read it over and over again, hoping that there is some magic in those words, some talisman that would bring it all back, bring you back.

The reality is that this is my doing. And like all decisions made in anger, regret has begun stealing in, clouding my judgment, making me question if I made the right choice. It is so easy to give in, to beg forgiveness for words said that I might not have really meant. The pain of being apart is unbearable, a knife lodged in my heart, making even the simple act of breathing a labor of pain.

But I think back on what happened. I think back on the promises we made, when times were good and we had no inkling of the storm ahead. I have kept my promise to always take care of you, to love you with no hesitation, no doubt. I have stood by you, even when anger and pride made me want to leave. And among all things, and perhaps most important of all, I have always put you and your needs over mine.

Some  say that the measure of love is in the grand gestures we make. I think love is when caring for someone becomes second nature. Love is when you don’t even think about yourself anymore, or your anger or disappointment. When you know that the one you love needs you, you’d drop anything to be there for them. We made a commitment to love each other and that should have meant never letting the other suffer just so you can prove a point.

Maybe this is something we’ve never understood about each other. That you love me and care for me, I have no doubt. But apparently, anger, mistrust, or pride is stronger than that love.  I would never have let you suffer.

In writing this, my resolve has grown. Yes, I know that I may be making the worst decision of my life. I may be losing the one person that I love more than anything or anyone. But I also know that until you see this the same way that I do, nothing will change between us.

I have changed so much for you, but I know in no way this means you should do the same.

But there it is. Your move. And if it’s not going to happen, then all this waiting will not be in vain. At least I know that for you, I am not worth it.

This is the story of a boy.

how do you begin a story when you don’t know how it ends? why write about it, in the first place? i’ve always found that putting things to paper has always been a way to make things seem more real. it reassures me that what occurred in the past was not some figment of my overactive imagination. that has always been the lure of writing to me.  i look at these words and they calm me. they tell me that no matter what lies ahead in the future, i will always, always have these memories.

 the night i met him, it was raining. we’ve planned on seeing each other, finally, after a couple of weeks of talking on the phone and texting. i remember feeling like i was about to vomit, that was how nervous i was. when i saw him for the first time, i knew i was a goner. even before we met, i was probably half in love with this guy. who would’ve thought that someone so young could be so grounded? so principled? for someone like me whose views in life varied depending on my mood, this guy, with his sure ways, was a revelation. i felt that i could be like him. and maybe together, we can brave the world and not let anything tear us apart. it didn’t hurt that he was cute, and funny, and loved the same things i did: the same books, the same music, the same movies, even the same clothes. we saw differently in a lot of things, but somehow, it worked so perfectly for us.

 it was awkward, that first night. we didn’t talk like old friends, nor did we gaze intensely into each other’s eyes like in the movies. there were moments of excruciating silence, some fumbling for words, topics, anything to make the awkwardness disappear. but the wind was cold, and the rain made it feel like we were in some secret place. until now, i can close my eyes and see his face, the way he looked back then. and i knew that was when i fell completely in love.

 when the night was about to end, i prayed that it wouldn’t be the last meeting, that once the spell was broken, we’d still find reasons to see each other. but i was also ready to say goodbye to him. after all, we never made any commitments. although there were so many things that connected us, there were also a lot of things that were different. but as i watched his cab go, i texted him. “will we see each other again?” and i guess you can say that the rest is history.

 that was three years ago. in between that moment in time and the present, so many things have happened. we fell in love with each other. we fought. we broke up and got back together and broke up again, this time, for real. we made new friends, saw our families grow, found new things to love and hate about each other. we grew older, and our views changed. in the scheme of things, what are these events, these changes, but mere dots in time? the world goes on, whether your heart is breaking or you feel like bursting into song, that’s how happy you are.

 but for those who have been in love, you know that love becomes your world. you feel engulfed by it. it invades each part of you. it makes you unable to see things without that film of love covering your eyes. and the world is made better because of it. when you love someone, you are making them feel special, cared for, needed. and in this world where it’s so easy to not care, isn’t that the best gift?

 his story doesn’t have an ending yet. or maybe it already does, but i’m just too afraid to see it. perhaps time has caused too much change and now, we couldn’t go back to how we were. but i have no regrets. love, they say, is the fittest of all emotions and can survive the test of time. and like that first night, i’ll pray, as fervently as i did before, that love will find us again.