here’s what you left me

here’s what you left me

a broken heart

and a tiny constellation of warts

before you,

i never thought warts were contagious

in fact, i never thought about warts at all

you used to laugh so hard

because you tricked me into believing that warts happened naturally

that they suddenly sprouted on my skin like minuscule mushrooms

for no reason

when i found out the truth about them,

i feigned anger

because who wanted warts, after all?

but this sick, crazy voice in my head also said,

“that’s one more thing of his you’ve got,”

and i was happy

now that you’re gone

all i am left with are memories,

and these warts

funny how the weirdest things

sometimes become the most important thing of all:

your lifeline



last wish

don’t tell me it’s over

please wait

wait until i realize it for myself

wait until i wake up to the truth

that when you walked out the door,

it was not a pause, there was no promise to return

instead, it was an ending,  final

that this photo i have in my hands,

of us eating ramen, of all things

is the last time we were ever happy

i want to always remember you like this

eyes shining, with that big, goofy smile you make

only for me


allow me to pretend

that nothing has changed

that this silence

is just time,  it’s stretched, it’s not real, you’re not gone

allow me to pretend

that one day, when i wake up,

i will read your message,

and it would say,

“good morning, babe. i love you.”

like you always do

i want to stay in this lie

this fantasy i created for myself

my very own time loop

like some fucked up episode of a really bad sci-fi anthology

if i can stay here forever, i would

because that would mean i can avoid the truth


the world without you,

it just isn’t a world i want to live in

so, please

help me keep reality at bay

don’t tell me it’s over

not yet

not ever



Friday Rant.

I know it’s in bad form to end the week in a sour note. I know I have a lot to be happy about. It’s Friday! I’m free (for two days)! I just had braised beef with mushroom and gravy and mashed potatoes and it was heavenly!

But the Emmy Nominations came out today and I’m pissed. No love for The Americans? Really? None for Keri f*cking Russel who is completely transformed as a Russian spy? No love for a show that has so easily avoided the usual tropes and maintained tension  all throughout the season? You suck, Emmy people.

Then I also see that Emilia Clarke (Daenerys) gets a nod but Lena Headey (Cersei), or even Michelle Fairley (Catelyn) didn’t. In what world is Emilia a better actress than Cersei and Catelyn? Don’t misunderstand, I love Emilia and I think she’s good, but she has never brought the same level of performance that the two other women consistently give.

And then I go to Facebook and all I see are these statuses and photos starting with “____ pag may time”  in reference to an action that these people actually do a lot (shopping, eating, getting drunk, whatever!). I just want to shout at these people and ask them to stop for a minute and think whether it actually makes any sense because I am sure it doesn’t. It astounds me how some people just swallow these new fads without any thought.

ANYWAY. I’m supposed to have dinner with the bosses but I decided to go home and spend time with the boy and I go text him and he’s like, “Why? I thought you were going.” And I reply with, “Well, I canceled.” And he said, “Why?” And then said, “Would you rather I go?” And he said, “Did I say that?” and there goes the whole evening.

So there. Anyway, I’m off. I’ll prepare a mean chicken salad for our dinner and it will hopefully make me forget the mood I’m in.

Have a great weekend, everyone! Virtual hugs to all (and high fives for the guys? I find fist bumps so awkward. I never know how much force to apply and I do not know how high it should be and all that. Hahaha! And it always starts off so weirdly! Are you gonna high five me? Oh no, it’s a fist bump!)


Rant Night

I can’t stand rude people. I would suffer talking to someone who smells like they haven’t showered in weeks than spend a minute with someone who makes it a habit to make other people feel less about themselves. As much as possible, I try not to judge. I know we all have problems and we didn’t come from the same background and all that. But rudeness is just inexcusable in my book. Just because you have issues doesn’t mean you can belittle people and act like it’s your right to be rude.

Haven’t you met someone who’s just mean to people and when you ask people around you why that person is the way they are, they all just say, ‘She’s got issues.’ It literally makes me want to tear my hair out. Or her hair, better yet.

We all suffer. If I wasn’t such an optimist, I’d say we exist in this world just to suffer. Each one has a burden to carry. Would it be so difficult to try to not add to that by just being nice? Nice is SO easy! And when you’re nice, people around you are nice, too. It creates a chain of niceness that’s just awesome to be in. Plus, you can get away with so much if you’re nice.

I know I’m rambling here. And believe it or not, this all started after I saw a couple of my female friends sharing these “picture quotes” on Facebook about not judging someone until you’ve known their story or walked kilometers in their shoes (why anyone would share these picture thingies, I can’t even begin to fathom) . Fuck that. If you’re mean to me or anyone I know, I will judge the hell out of you. Save your sob story for someone who actually cares.

A demon cannot be hurt.

When a friend asked me about what happened, I just said that I had to end it before I began to hate him and myself for what I allow HIM to do to me. It was a vague reply, but there was nothing vague about my decision to let go. I only felt that words can never convey how difficult it is to give up on someone you love so much. I could never explain it. I don’t think anyone would even understand.

Sometimes, we often let the people we love get away with hurting us because we think we can’t live without them. We swallow hurts and disappointments to avoid confrontations that might lead to heartbreak. We give too much and expect too little, thinking that we should be thankful for what we have.

I don’t know if I’m too much of a romantic, if I’m too much of a dreamer. It’s true, love can never be measured, and you can never say that the love you feel for someone is greater than the love they feel for you. But what cannot be expressed with words, actions will tell. In the scheme of things, in the world I’ve created, the one I love will always, always be my priority.  I would never have to choose. He would know, people would know, I would know that he comes first in everything I do.

And perhaps that’s tragedy of loving this way. You forget yourself. You forget your worth. You forget that you matter. If you’re not his priority, you accept it as a fact, because that’s what people always say. Never expect that someone will love you the way you love them.

I say bullshit. I want to spend my life with someone who I know will always choose me before anything else. I want someone who will love me with the same passion and commitment that I do him. I want someone who will always be there, no matter what.

I can do this for someone. I did this for him. So I know it’s possible. And I know, I deserve to be loved this way.

This is happiness.

So I wanted to update my blog but found that I needed more time to really make a post that made sense so I figured I’d cheat and post some pictures instead. Hahaha. The past few days just has been so crazy. Hopefully, you’d know more about me and my life with this post. I’m talking like I have hundreds of readers but that’s the beauty of blogging, isn’t it? It sure beats talking to myself. 😉

Like the title says, this is just really about the things ans people that make me happy and warms my heart. Cheesy no? Hahaha. Expect a lot more on this blog. 😉

My boyfriend of 4 years. ♥



My nieces because they’re just so adorable!








Books books books. I’d read just about anything.




That’s it for now! 😉 These are just some of things that make me happy and all warm inside. I ain’t difficult to please.


Funny how just a week ago, I wrote about us and how our love is something no one can destroy. Part of me wants to go back and delete that post. Another  just wants to read it over and over again, hoping that there is some magic in those words, some talisman that would bring it all back, bring you back.

The reality is that this is my doing. And like all decisions made in anger, regret has begun stealing in, clouding my judgment, making me question if I made the right choice. It is so easy to give in, to beg forgiveness for words said that I might not have really meant. The pain of being apart is unbearable, a knife lodged in my heart, making even the simple act of breathing a labor of pain.

But I think back on what happened. I think back on the promises we made, when times were good and we had no inkling of the storm ahead. I have kept my promise to always take care of you, to love you with no hesitation, no doubt. I have stood by you, even when anger and pride made me want to leave. And among all things, and perhaps most important of all, I have always put you and your needs over mine.

Some  say that the measure of love is in the grand gestures we make. I think love is when caring for someone becomes second nature. Love is when you don’t even think about yourself anymore, or your anger or disappointment. When you know that the one you love needs you, you’d drop anything to be there for them. We made a commitment to love each other and that should have meant never letting the other suffer just so you can prove a point.

Maybe this is something we’ve never understood about each other. That you love me and care for me, I have no doubt. But apparently, anger, mistrust, or pride is stronger than that love.  I would never have let you suffer.

In writing this, my resolve has grown. Yes, I know that I may be making the worst decision of my life. I may be losing the one person that I love more than anything or anyone. But I also know that until you see this the same way that I do, nothing will change between us.

I have changed so much for you, but I know in no way this means you should do the same.

But there it is. Your move. And if it’s not going to happen, then all this waiting will not be in vain. At least I know that for you, I am not worth it.


“In  relationship, you love because you love, not because you expect to be loved in return.”

I used to believe this with all my heart, used to even tell this line or a version of it to friends who were heartbroken because they felt unappreciated, unloved. Maybe I was able to believe it so fully back then because I was so sure of how he felt for me. And maybe because I loved him so much, I never even stopped to think about myself or how I felt. I just did everything I did because I loved him. I wanted him happy, satisfied, content.

It was never a conscious thing, the  contempt I began to feel. I did not take time to look back at how our lives have been going and suddenly decide that I was  not happy anymore, that I felt unappreciated. No. Because the thing is, I was happy. And I knew that he loved me. But like the speck of dust that tips the scale, the final straw was such a small thing, such a small event, that I myself was caught unawares by the magnitude of my anger.

I know we could have talked about it. I know I could’ve brushed it off and forgotten about it. But something inside me crumbled. Something inside me died. And when he left and never looked back, I knew what I lost. It was hope for us, for everything to be back to how we were.

I guess the question goes back to this: Who’s to blame?  Is it me for never speaking out? Is it  him for not understanding and walking away?

Some questions remain unanswered. And looking at where we are now, broken and apart, this will be one of those questions that will forever haunt us.