here’s what you left me

here’s what you left me

a broken heart

and a tiny constellation of warts

before you,

i never thought warts were contagious

in fact, i never thought about warts at all

you used to laugh so hard

because you tricked me into believing that warts happened naturally

that they suddenly sprouted on my skin like minuscule mushrooms

for no reason

when i found out the truth about them,

i feigned anger

because who wanted warts, after all?

but this sick, crazy voice in my head also said,

“that’s one more thing of his you’ve got,”

and i was happy

now that you’re gone

all i am left with are memories,

and these warts

funny how the weirdest things

sometimes become the most important thing of all:

your lifeline

 

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last wish

don’t tell me it’s over

please wait

wait until i realize it for myself

wait until i wake up to the truth

that when you walked out the door,

it was not a pause, there was no promise to return

instead, it was an ending,  final

that this photo i have in my hands,

of us eating ramen, of all things

is the last time we were ever happy

i want to always remember you like this

eyes shining, with that big, goofy smile you make

only for me

 

allow me to pretend

that nothing has changed

that this silence

is just time,  it’s stretched, it’s not real, you’re not gone

allow me to pretend

that one day, when i wake up,

i will read your message,

and it would say,

“good morning, babe. i love you.”

like you always do

i want to stay in this lie

this fantasy i created for myself

my very own time loop

like some fucked up episode of a really bad sci-fi anthology

if i can stay here forever, i would

because that would mean i can avoid the truth

 

the world without you,

it just isn’t a world i want to live in

so, please

help me keep reality at bay

don’t tell me it’s over

not yet

not ever

 

 

What have we done?

A long while back, after one of our big fights, I told you that I was worried because I’ve started to feel apathetic whenever we have an argument, whenever you wanted to leave me. My heart was bruised, and I wanted to make sure you understood that for someone like me, someone who would fight thousands of battles for you, apathy means the end. I’ve come to realize that it isn’t anger or jealousy or disappointment that kills a relationship. It’s when you no longer care what happens that drives the knife and cuts the ties that bind beyond repair.

I’m not sure if this is how it feels to give up, only because giving up has never been an option for me, especially when it’s about us. All I know is that my days are spent consciously trying to avoid thoughts of you. In the past, I would’ve done everything in my power to save our relationship. I don’t feel that now. Mostly, I feel exhausted. Bone tired, trying to forget, move forward, make myself believe that I am not actually dying of pain.

But who knows, right? More often than I can count, I’ve found myself driving home from work, ugly-crying to breakup songs and Sam Smith. Every time I see your photos on my phone, I have the urge to throw it away, or hug it, which really doesn’t make any sense. I’ve woken up to dreams of you leaving, only to realize you’ve left.

Is this the end? I don’t really know. It may be the end for you, but I’ve always been such a masochist. I’d probably love you until I’m broken in a thousand pieces. Until then, I will live in this state of numbness. Nothing will wake me up from this.

And that’s okay.

 

 

Friday Rant.

I know it’s in bad form to end the week in a sour note. I know I have a lot to be happy about. It’s Friday! I’m free (for two days)! I just had braised beef with mushroom and gravy and mashed potatoes and it was heavenly!

But the Emmy Nominations came out today and I’m pissed. No love for The Americans? Really? None for Keri f*cking Russel who is completely transformed as a Russian spy? No love for a show that has so easily avoided the usual tropes and maintained tension  all throughout the season? You suck, Emmy people.

Then I also see that Emilia Clarke (Daenerys) gets a nod but Lena Headey (Cersei), or even Michelle Fairley (Catelyn) didn’t. In what world is Emilia a better actress than Cersei and Catelyn? Don’t misunderstand, I love Emilia and I think she’s good, but she has never brought the same level of performance that the two other women consistently give.

And then I go to Facebook and all I see are these statuses and photos starting with “____ pag may time”  in reference to an action that these people actually do a lot (shopping, eating, getting drunk, whatever!). I just want to shout at these people and ask them to stop for a minute and think whether it actually makes any sense because I am sure it doesn’t. It astounds me how some people just swallow these new fads without any thought.

ANYWAY. I’m supposed to have dinner with the bosses but I decided to go home and spend time with the boy and I go text him and he’s like, “Why? I thought you were going.” And I reply with, “Well, I canceled.” And he said, “Why?” And then said, “Would you rather I go?” And he said, “Did I say that?” and there goes the whole evening.

So there. Anyway, I’m off. I’ll prepare a mean chicken salad for our dinner and it will hopefully make me forget the mood I’m in.

Have a great weekend, everyone! Virtual hugs to all (and high fives for the guys? I find fist bumps so awkward. I never know how much force to apply and I do not know how high it should be and all that. Hahaha! And it always starts off so weirdly! Are you gonna high five me? Oh no, it’s a fist bump!)

Ciao!

Random.

So… I have been gone for over a week? I remember asking for more work because I was becoming so bored and now that it’s happened, I want to knock myself out. It has come to the point that I go home completely exhausted that all I want to do is just sleep. And I’m never like that. I’d try to spend every minute doing something I love, whether it’s just reading a book or writing. Anyway, I just wanted to take this time to say hi to everyone and I’m hoping y’all are having a better day/week/life than I am. 😀

Before I go on a bloghopping spree wherein I invade your personal spaces and make weird-ass comments, allow me to share some random thoughts. After all, this is what this blog is all about, a medium for me to just let loose. So here goes!

Random Thought Number 1: Self Image

I’ve been too obsessed with this lately. 2 or 3 years ago, I went through a phase wherein I thought I was HUGE and dieted and exercised like crazy but never really became satisfied with any weight loss. I still thought I was fat. And now, I look at my pictures during those days and realize how skinny I actually was (well, not really skinny, but you know, I was way thinner than I thought I was). I know I’ve gained weight and it just makes me crazy. One of the things that I swore I’d have before I reach a certain age is to have a slamming body and time is running out. I kinda feel hopeless whenever I think of this.

Random Thought Number 2: Haunted

The sleep issue is still continuing. I’m beginning to think that I’m being haunted. I don’t know. I just couldn’t get through a night without waking up in terror, thinking someone or something was out to get me. It is terrifying. The only way that I can get through a deep sleep is through physical exhaustion. Can sleeping pills be bought over the counter?
Random Thought Number 3: 5 Years

Not so random, more like something that I think about every other hour. My boyfriend and I will be celebrating our 5th year anniversary this month. I was aiming for Manila but I don’t know how to fit that to our schedule. I want to do something really nice for him, for us. On our 3rd year together, we went to Boracay and nothing has really topped that yet.

Random Thought Number 4: I Hate Facebook

It makes me abhor people I used to think were okay. Seriously. It’s either I find out that their completely jologs or that they do not make sense at all. It’s good that a friend showed me how to prevent their updates from showing on my feed.

So there. That’s it for now.  Off to your pages, then!

Mikhail Gorbachev.

In gay lingo (in Cebu, that is), old people are referred to as “gor.” I do not know why that is and for the longest time I thought it was in reference to Mikhail Gorbachev, once president of the Soviet Union. I used to say, “I look so Gorbachev,” and my friends would look at me with confusion on their faces. I thought they got the reference, but apparently, I’m the only one who thinks this way.

Is this post leading anywhere, you ask. Well, yeah, I’m getting there, I think. Over the weekend, I binge-watched The Americans (See? Another Russian reference!) and I was totally enthralled. I couldn’t count the number of times I wasn’t gritting my teeth, wondering if Phillip or Elizabeth were about to get caught. It is the most thrilling, thought provoking, emotional series I’ve seen in a while. I read an interview from the creator of the series and remember him saying that above all, it was about marriage and commitment. And in the midst of everything that happens on this show, the core really is about the principles you hold dear, and when, or even if, you should keep them or let them go.

Which leads me to my next point, which is I do feel so Gorbachev. I mean, I spent the weekend SLEEPING and watching DVDs! This used to be unthinkable, back when I was younger. The CJ of yore would’ve spent the weekend getting drunk, partying, and generally, just having the time of his life. But the truth is, I love the feeling of staying home. I actually WANT to spend my free time in bed, reading, or just watching a movie with the boy. Is this a sign that my heydays are over?

I really don’t know. Sure, I miss going out and getting drunk, and wondering what the hell happened the night before. I miss the days when I would show up at work smelling of booze and falling asleep on my keyboard (No, not really). But even if I do, do I want to go back to that life? Sometimes, I think I do, and I know enough to know that it’s when I feel most insecure about my relationship or my life. But more often than not, I find myself loving this phase. There’s a certain peace about knowing exactly what you want in life. And I think it comes with age, the realization that the things you used to love when you were younger just don’t hold the same allure anymore.

The best thing that I can think of that comes with getting older (and knowing and accepting it) is the fact that I know when to dress appropriately. I think it’s just the saddest thing to see a grown man or woman wearing clothes fit for someone a decade younger. I just want to grab them and talk to them and shop with them. You can look great, no matter what age. But you have to understand your body and your looks for it to work. 

Did I lead you anywhere? I thought so. It’s Monday and my mind isn’t really working. 😀 I hope you guys are faring better than I am. Cheers!

 

Gone in 60 Seconds.

A friend said,

Accept him for who he is, flaws and all. If you decide to, then stop complaining. Stop whining.

If you don’t, leave.

I guess, it really is as simple as that.

When your happiness completely revolves around ONE person, I think it’s time you rethink your choices and options.

I have decided to love him, fully and completely. However, one of the things I will keep for myself is the simple happiness that small things give me, such as blogging. Or working out. Or just writing.

Love (I’m talking about the verb here and not the concept). That’s all that really matters.

Not like the movies.

You know that moment in films when the music begins to swell and things start moving in slow motion and you just know something pivotal is about to happen? It’s usually when the main character just had a major makeover and fiercely struts through her high school corridors while the crowd parts, as  if Moses was there, commanding the sea of people to make way by raising his gnarled staff (it WAS Moses who did this, right?). Or when the heroes get ready to take revenge on the bad guys, giving each other meaningful glances and grim smiles, and saying weird, cryptic things such as “Let’s do this,” or “It’s time.” Do what? It’s time for what? Don’t you like, need a detailed plan or something? Or when the boy finally realizes just how much he loves the girl and runs after her before she leaves for Alcoy (in the movies, it’s always to accept a new job or something monumental. Can’t a girl just take a vacation or visit her parents?). Or when the two characters meet by bumping into each other and things fall (usually books, never cellphones, because, yeah, let’s be realistic here) and they have both have to pick the things up at the same time and they stare at each other for like 2 seconds max and BOOM, they realize that they’re meant for each other.

Like this ever happens in real life.

In real life, nothing short of surgery or dressing up like Lady Gaga or a deranged version of her can make people stop in their tracks and stare at you in awe. When you are about to do something evil, you do not look cool. You look nervous as hell, that is, if you’re not a convicted felon or just possibly psychotic and the life you live isn’t that of a criminal. When you realize that the one you love was right under your nose the whole time, you actually DESERVE to be left behind, you dumbass. And when you do bump into someone so hard that your stuff (God forbid your phone!) clatters to the ground, I am sure there will be a lot of cursing involved, thus officially ending the possibility of that person ever thinking you’re the ONE.

Yes, I know these are all cliches. Yes, I know how the media has totally hyped things up to make it seem like it’s only moments like these that matter and that the more discerning consumer would know the difference between fantasy and reality. The problem is that some people find themselves starting to believe in them. They wait for the right moment for everything. They wait for the right moment to fall in love, make decisions, affect change. In the back of their minds, each step has to be monumental for it to matter and has to be accompanied by the surge of their very own OST in the background.

“Walang basagan ng trip,” you say. And sure, I agree. I succumb to these fantasies more often than I care to admit (which is always). The sad thing here is that some people (meaning me, and some friends I know) begin to forget that life isn’t measured by grandiose moments. Some lose the appreciation for things that are mundane and normal. Falling in love with someone doesn’t have to happen overnight. You don’t have to be swept off your feet in sixty seconds. There is something equally romantic in falling in love slowly, getting to know someone day by day and finding out things to love, like finding the surprises at the end of a treasure hunt.

Life decisions can be made cautiously and still have the same effect. There is something to be said about people who just make decisions on the go, but you see, these people do not rely on moments. They act on impulse, because that is what their instinct tells them to do, not because they are driven by the need to make these moments movie material.

We wait for moments to happen, when life is happening around us. When we get left behind, we find ourselves wondering where our life went. In movies, there’s a beginning and an end, peppered by exciting moments of improbable events. Life isn’t like the movies. It is fatal to think so. So play that OST in your mind (mine is Beautiful Ones by Suede) and live each second, savoring each and every moment because your life is the best movie you’ll ever see and really, you wouldn’t want to miss it.

Honestly.

I’m resigned to the possibility that I will never fall in love again. It’s not only because I’m still in love with you, but more because I know exactly what I want and there can never be two people who are exactly alike, so that means I’m doomed because you’ve always been like my dream come true.

I can see myself growing old and taking care of my nieces. I’ll be their doting gay uncle until my hair is grey and my tattoos would look like liver spots. I can see myself becoming a hermit and just living for good books and music and writing. Of course I’ve got to work but a social life is something I don’t think I can maintain. Besides, I’m virtually friendless. I’ve built my world around you so much so that when we broke up, I didn’t have one soul to run crying to.

I see you falling in love with someone else. You’re young. The world is your playground. You’d achieve great things and I’d quietly cheer from the sidelines. Maybe you’ll remember me but you’re pride will always be there to tell you that I made the wrong decision and that I don’t deserve running after.

I sound bitter and I am, but not as much as you think. My dreams have come to an end and it’s time you lived yours. You can do what you want now with no one to make you feel guilty about it. You can make decisions and not worry about what anyone else would think.

I wish you well. I really do. I want you to be happy because I will do my best to be. I have found my purpose and I’m hoping you find yours because if you don’t, I’m afraid you’ll be lost.

I love you. Probably will for a long, long time. That’s not so bad, I guess. Other people have worse problems. I should be so lucky that all I have to think about is you and how each day would have been different if we were still together.

image

A demon cannot be hurt.

When a friend asked me about what happened, I just said that I had to end it before I began to hate him and myself for what I allow HIM to do to me. It was a vague reply, but there was nothing vague about my decision to let go. I only felt that words can never convey how difficult it is to give up on someone you love so much. I could never explain it. I don’t think anyone would even understand.

Sometimes, we often let the people we love get away with hurting us because we think we can’t live without them. We swallow hurts and disappointments to avoid confrontations that might lead to heartbreak. We give too much and expect too little, thinking that we should be thankful for what we have.

I don’t know if I’m too much of a romantic, if I’m too much of a dreamer. It’s true, love can never be measured, and you can never say that the love you feel for someone is greater than the love they feel for you. But what cannot be expressed with words, actions will tell. In the scheme of things, in the world I’ve created, the one I love will always, always be my priority.  I would never have to choose. He would know, people would know, I would know that he comes first in everything I do.

And perhaps that’s tragedy of loving this way. You forget yourself. You forget your worth. You forget that you matter. If you’re not his priority, you accept it as a fact, because that’s what people always say. Never expect that someone will love you the way you love them.

I say bullshit. I want to spend my life with someone who I know will always choose me before anything else. I want someone who will love me with the same passion and commitment that I do him. I want someone who will always be there, no matter what.

I can do this for someone. I did this for him. So I know it’s possible. And I know, I deserve to be loved this way.