here’s what you left me

here’s what you left me

a broken heart

and a tiny constellation of warts

before you,

i never thought warts were contagious

in fact, i never thought about warts at all

you used to laugh so hard

because you tricked me into believing that warts happened naturally

that they suddenly sprouted on my skin like minuscule mushrooms

for no reason

when i found out the truth about them,

i feigned anger

because who wanted warts, after all?

but this sick, crazy voice in my head also said,

“that’s one more thing of his you’ve got,”

and i was happy

now that you’re gone

all i am left with are memories,

and these warts

funny how the weirdest things

sometimes become the most important thing of all:

your lifeline

 

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last wish

don’t tell me it’s over

please wait

wait until i realize it for myself

wait until i wake up to the truth

that when you walked out the door,

it was not a pause, there was no promise to return

instead, it was an ending,  final

that this photo i have in my hands,

of us eating ramen, of all things

is the last time we were ever happy

i want to always remember you like this

eyes shining, with that big, goofy smile you make

only for me

 

allow me to pretend

that nothing has changed

that this silence

is just time,  it’s stretched, it’s not real, you’re not gone

allow me to pretend

that one day, when i wake up,

i will read your message,

and it would say,

“good morning, babe. i love you.”

like you always do

i want to stay in this lie

this fantasy i created for myself

my very own time loop

like some fucked up episode of a really bad sci-fi anthology

if i can stay here forever, i would

because that would mean i can avoid the truth

 

the world without you,

it just isn’t a world i want to live in

so, please

help me keep reality at bay

don’t tell me it’s over

not yet

not ever

 

 

What have we done?

A long while back, after one of our big fights, I told you that I was worried because I’ve started to feel apathetic whenever we have an argument, whenever you wanted to leave me. My heart was bruised, and I wanted to make sure you understood that for someone like me, someone who would fight thousands of battles for you, apathy means the end. I’ve come to realize that it isn’t anger or jealousy or disappointment that kills a relationship. It’s when you no longer care what happens that drives the knife and cuts the ties that bind beyond repair.

I’m not sure if this is how it feels to give up, only because giving up has never been an option for me, especially when it’s about us. All I know is that my days are spent consciously trying to avoid thoughts of you. In the past, I would’ve done everything in my power to save our relationship. I don’t feel that now. Mostly, I feel exhausted. Bone tired, trying to forget, move forward, make myself believe that I am not actually dying of pain.

But who knows, right? More often than I can count, I’ve found myself driving home from work, ugly-crying to breakup songs and Sam Smith. Every time I see your photos on my phone, I have the urge to throw it away, or hug it, which really doesn’t make any sense. I’ve woken up to dreams of you leaving, only to realize you’ve left.

Is this the end? I don’t really know. It may be the end for you, but I’ve always been such a masochist. I’d probably love you until I’m broken in a thousand pieces. Until then, I will live in this state of numbness. Nothing will wake me up from this.

And that’s okay.

 

 

Not like the movies.

You know that moment in films when the music begins to swell and things start moving in slow motion and you just know something pivotal is about to happen? It’s usually when the main character just had a major makeover and fiercely struts through her high school corridors while the crowd parts, as  if Moses was there, commanding the sea of people to make way by raising his gnarled staff (it WAS Moses who did this, right?). Or when the heroes get ready to take revenge on the bad guys, giving each other meaningful glances and grim smiles, and saying weird, cryptic things such as “Let’s do this,” or “It’s time.” Do what? It’s time for what? Don’t you like, need a detailed plan or something? Or when the boy finally realizes just how much he loves the girl and runs after her before she leaves for Alcoy (in the movies, it’s always to accept a new job or something monumental. Can’t a girl just take a vacation or visit her parents?). Or when the two characters meet by bumping into each other and things fall (usually books, never cellphones, because, yeah, let’s be realistic here) and they have both have to pick the things up at the same time and they stare at each other for like 2 seconds max and BOOM, they realize that they’re meant for each other.

Like this ever happens in real life.

In real life, nothing short of surgery or dressing up like Lady Gaga or a deranged version of her can make people stop in their tracks and stare at you in awe. When you are about to do something evil, you do not look cool. You look nervous as hell, that is, if you’re not a convicted felon or just possibly psychotic and the life you live isn’t that of a criminal. When you realize that the one you love was right under your nose the whole time, you actually DESERVE to be left behind, you dumbass. And when you do bump into someone so hard that your stuff (God forbid your phone!) clatters to the ground, I am sure there will be a lot of cursing involved, thus officially ending the possibility of that person ever thinking you’re the ONE.

Yes, I know these are all cliches. Yes, I know how the media has totally hyped things up to make it seem like it’s only moments like these that matter and that the more discerning consumer would know the difference between fantasy and reality. The problem is that some people find themselves starting to believe in them. They wait for the right moment for everything. They wait for the right moment to fall in love, make decisions, affect change. In the back of their minds, each step has to be monumental for it to matter and has to be accompanied by the surge of their very own OST in the background.

“Walang basagan ng trip,” you say. And sure, I agree. I succumb to these fantasies more often than I care to admit (which is always). The sad thing here is that some people (meaning me, and some friends I know) begin to forget that life isn’t measured by grandiose moments. Some lose the appreciation for things that are mundane and normal. Falling in love with someone doesn’t have to happen overnight. You don’t have to be swept off your feet in sixty seconds. There is something equally romantic in falling in love slowly, getting to know someone day by day and finding out things to love, like finding the surprises at the end of a treasure hunt.

Life decisions can be made cautiously and still have the same effect. There is something to be said about people who just make decisions on the go, but you see, these people do not rely on moments. They act on impulse, because that is what their instinct tells them to do, not because they are driven by the need to make these moments movie material.

We wait for moments to happen, when life is happening around us. When we get left behind, we find ourselves wondering where our life went. In movies, there’s a beginning and an end, peppered by exciting moments of improbable events. Life isn’t like the movies. It is fatal to think so. So play that OST in your mind (mine is Beautiful Ones by Suede) and live each second, savoring each and every moment because your life is the best movie you’ll ever see and really, you wouldn’t want to miss it.