here’s what you left me

here’s what you left me

a broken heart

and a tiny constellation of warts

before you,

i never thought warts were contagious

in fact, i never thought about warts at all

you used to laugh so hard

because you tricked me into believing that warts happened naturally

that they suddenly sprouted on my skin like minuscule mushrooms

for no reason

when i found out the truth about them,

i feigned anger

because who wanted warts, after all?

but this sick, crazy voice in my head also said,

“that’s one more thing of his you’ve got,”

and i was happy

now that you’re gone

all i am left with are memories,

and these warts

funny how the weirdest things

sometimes become the most important thing of all:

your lifeline

 

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A demon cannot be hurt.

When a friend asked me about what happened, I just said that I had to end it before I began to hate him and myself for what I allow HIM to do to me. It was a vague reply, but there was nothing vague about my decision to let go. I only felt that words can never convey how difficult it is to give up on someone you love so much. I could never explain it. I don’t think anyone would even understand.

Sometimes, we often let the people we love get away with hurting us because we think we can’t live without them. We swallow hurts and disappointments to avoid confrontations that might lead to heartbreak. We give too much and expect too little, thinking that we should be thankful for what we have.

I don’t know if I’m too much of a romantic, if I’m too much of a dreamer. It’s true, love can never be measured, and you can never say that the love you feel for someone is greater than the love they feel for you. But what cannot be expressed with words, actions will tell. In the scheme of things, in the world I’ve created, the one I love will always, always be my priority.  I would never have to choose. He would know, people would know, I would know that he comes first in everything I do.

And perhaps that’s tragedy of loving this way. You forget yourself. You forget your worth. You forget that you matter. If you’re not his priority, you accept it as a fact, because that’s what people always say. Never expect that someone will love you the way you love them.

I say bullshit. I want to spend my life with someone who I know will always choose me before anything else. I want someone who will love me with the same passion and commitment that I do him. I want someone who will always be there, no matter what.

I can do this for someone. I did this for him. So I know it’s possible. And I know, I deserve to be loved this way.

This is happiness.

So I wanted to update my blog but found that I needed more time to really make a post that made sense so I figured I’d cheat and post some pictures instead. Hahaha. The past few days just has been so crazy. Hopefully, you’d know more about me and my life with this post. I’m talking like I have hundreds of readers but that’s the beauty of blogging, isn’t it? It sure beats talking to myself. 😉

Like the title says, this is just really about the things ans people that make me happy and warms my heart. Cheesy no? Hahaha. Expect a lot more on this blog. 😉

My boyfriend of 4 years. ♥

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My nieces because they’re just so adorable!

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Friends!

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Books books books. I’d read just about anything.

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That’s it for now! 😉 These are just some of things that make me happy and all warm inside. I ain’t difficult to please.

Checkmate.

Funny how just a week ago, I wrote about us and how our love is something no one can destroy. Part of me wants to go back and delete that post. Another  just wants to read it over and over again, hoping that there is some magic in those words, some talisman that would bring it all back, bring you back.

The reality is that this is my doing. And like all decisions made in anger, regret has begun stealing in, clouding my judgment, making me question if I made the right choice. It is so easy to give in, to beg forgiveness for words said that I might not have really meant. The pain of being apart is unbearable, a knife lodged in my heart, making even the simple act of breathing a labor of pain.

But I think back on what happened. I think back on the promises we made, when times were good and we had no inkling of the storm ahead. I have kept my promise to always take care of you, to love you with no hesitation, no doubt. I have stood by you, even when anger and pride made me want to leave. And among all things, and perhaps most important of all, I have always put you and your needs over mine.

Some  say that the measure of love is in the grand gestures we make. I think love is when caring for someone becomes second nature. Love is when you don’t even think about yourself anymore, or your anger or disappointment. When you know that the one you love needs you, you’d drop anything to be there for them. We made a commitment to love each other and that should have meant never letting the other suffer just so you can prove a point.

Maybe this is something we’ve never understood about each other. That you love me and care for me, I have no doubt. But apparently, anger, mistrust, or pride is stronger than that love.  I would never have let you suffer.

In writing this, my resolve has grown. Yes, I know that I may be making the worst decision of my life. I may be losing the one person that I love more than anything or anyone. But I also know that until you see this the same way that I do, nothing will change between us.

I have changed so much for you, but I know in no way this means you should do the same.

But there it is. Your move. And if it’s not going to happen, then all this waiting will not be in vain. At least I know that for you, I am not worth it.