Letters to you.

Hey you,

It’s been 3 months since the break up and I’m proud you got this far. You thought that your world was ending, but surprise! Here you are, broken but fighting. The past few months have been difficult. You’ve spent more nights crying yourself to sleep than you care to admit to anyone. You’ve put on this show, but the number of bottles you’ve drank far surpass the number of forced smiles you’ve given people whenever they ask, “Kumusta na man mo?” 9 years is a lifetime, and you can forgive people for believing that you and him would last forever. You almost believed it, too.

I’ve seen how many times you’ve tried to make sense of what happened. I’ve seen you go through the stages of grief, deluding yourself into thinking you’ve “accepted” things, only to find yourself crying at every Sam Smith song like a deranged person. I want you to know that the mistakes you made do not define you. And while you still love him, you can’t be together anymore. You are no longer his only happiness, as much as he isn’t yours. You can’t see this now, but hang in there. It will happen.

I know the last relationship has left you wary and scarred, and the thought of putting yourself out there again scares you senseless. You’re a 33 year old gay guy (which might as well be 60 in the LGBT world), and other than your intense dislike of the song “Hayaan mo sila”, you’re pretty average, really.

The thing is, you don’t need to start dating again to feel whole. In the past few weeks, you’ve found comfort in the most surprising places. You’ve rebuilt bridges you thought were broken when you left behind a world just to create a new one with him. You’ve learned so many things about yourself, rediscovered the overwhelming love of family and friends, and found that most the time, you’re okay with just being you.

Kahibaw ko naa’y times nga struggle jud. Labi na karon o, hapit na ang Valentines. Lami i-maoy sa? Maoy lang. Just know that I’m here and I’m not going anywhere. I will accept you in all shapes and sizes, and in all states, too: crazy, delusional, nihilistic, masochistic, whatever. We’re in this together, you and I. That, I can promise. Happy Valentines, self. I love you.

 

here’s what you left me

here’s what you left me

a broken heart

and a tiny constellation of warts

before you,

i never thought warts were contagious

in fact, i never thought about warts at all

you used to laugh so hard

because you tricked me into believing that warts happened naturally

that they suddenly sprouted on my skin like minuscule mushrooms

for no reason

when i found out the truth about them,

i feigned anger

because who wanted warts, after all?

but this sick, crazy voice in my head also said,

“that’s one more thing of his you’ve got,”

and i was happy

now that you’re gone

all i am left with are memories,

and these warts

funny how the weirdest things

sometimes become the most important thing of all:

your lifeline

 

last wish

don’t tell me it’s over

please wait

wait until i realize it for myself

wait until i wake up to the truth

that when you walked out the door,

it was not a pause, there was no promise to return

instead, it was an ending,  final

that this photo i have in my hands,

of us eating ramen, of all things

is the last time we were ever happy

i want to always remember you like this

eyes shining, with that big, goofy smile you make

only for me

 

allow me to pretend

that nothing has changed

that this silence

is just time,  it’s stretched, it’s not real, you’re not gone

allow me to pretend

that one day, when i wake up,

i will read your message,

and it would say,

“good morning, babe. i love you.”

like you always do

i want to stay in this lie

this fantasy i created for myself

my very own time loop

like some fucked up episode of a really bad sci-fi anthology

if i can stay here forever, i would

because that would mean i can avoid the truth

 

the world without you,

it just isn’t a world i want to live in

so, please

help me keep reality at bay

don’t tell me it’s over

not yet

not ever

 

 

What have we done?

A long while back, after one of our big fights, I told you that I was worried because I’ve started to feel apathetic whenever we have an argument, whenever you wanted to leave me. My heart was bruised, and I wanted to make sure you understood that for someone like me, someone who would fight thousands of battles for you, apathy means the end. I’ve come to realize that it isn’t anger or jealousy or disappointment that kills a relationship. It’s when you no longer care what happens that drives the knife and cuts the ties that bind beyond repair.

I’m not sure if this is how it feels to give up, only because giving up has never been an option for me, especially when it’s about us. All I know is that my days are spent consciously trying to avoid thoughts of you. In the past, I would’ve done everything in my power to save our relationship. I don’t feel that now. Mostly, I feel exhausted. Bone tired, trying to forget, move forward, make myself believe that I am not actually dying of pain.

But who knows, right? More often than I can count, I’ve found myself driving home from work, ugly-crying to breakup songs and Sam Smith. Every time I see your photos on my phone, I have the urge to throw it away, or hug it, which really doesn’t make any sense. I’ve woken up to dreams of you leaving, only to realize you’ve left.

Is this the end? I don’t really know. It may be the end for you, but I’ve always been such a masochist. I’d probably love you until I’m broken in a thousand pieces. Until then, I will live in this state of numbness. Nothing will wake me up from this.

And that’s okay.

 

 

Soak.

So the boy and I have gone to several beaches and pools over the past month or two. I’m loving it, but I have to admit I miss my lazy weekends. You know, those weekends you spend in bed just reading or watching movies and only getting out of bed when you’re hungry. Or is this just me? Haha. Anyway, we still have a couple more escapades left before the summer ends so here are some pictures of us!

Forever summer.

When I think of summer, I conjure images of lazy afternoons spent in bed, just reading. Or days on the beach with my cousins, catching waves and getting darker by the day. I remember meeting with friends and drinking until dawn. I guess I’ve never really gotten over the feeling of nostalgia that summer brings. And that’s why it has always been my favorite time of year. Something different happens during these months, there’s a palpable change in the air, a softening of light,  a slowness in things. I love it. And as a result, the boy and I and some friends  have jump-started our summer with trips to the beach and have more plans for the next two months. I hope you enjoy yours, too!

Lost boy, big city.

New Year in the big city! Hahaha. I am prepared to be mesmerized again. I remember the boy and I visited the capital a few months ago for a few days, and we were in awe of BGC and Makati and all that. Hahaha. Such losers. I mean, I know Cebu ain’t that bad, but really, I feel like I’ve become such a provincial, so used to the laid back island atmosphere that Cebu somehow retains no matter how busy things get. I wouldn’t trade Cebu for Manila, though, no offense to the locals. It’s just that Cebu is really great, although probably lacking in diversity. Anyway, I’m sure it will be fun. Hope to see some, if not all of you there!

How do you survive a break up when you’re 30 years old. Or almost?

The old cocktail doesn’t work anymore. The get-drunk-get-laid as often and as much as possible remedy is just not something that holds any appeal. I guess it comes with age and the realization that beauty is fleeting. Something that would never occur to you when you’re just 20 and the world is a buffet. Or so they say.

Sort of drunk while writing this. Is love really worth this pain? I just don’t know anymore. And I don’t think I’ll ever fall in love again. It just doesn’t make sense. Why would anyone want to go to through all this trouble?

It’s incomprehensible. Love shouldn’t be this difficult.

I know I’m not making any sense.

Right here, right now.

While the typhoon raged last Friday, I remember thinking, “This isn’t too bad. I’m scared, but I expected worse.” And I thought it would be the same elsewhere. I thought with all the warnings and all the reports, people would be more prepared.

And now, seeing the havoc that Yolanda caused in Tacloban, in most parts of Cebu and the rest of the Visayas, I can’t help but feel immense guilt. Guilt for even thinking that way, guilt for surviving unscathed. Guilt for being okay while thousands lost their lives and homes and means of living.

My heart is breaking. I never thought it would cause so much damage. Over the weekend, the sun shone bright in Cebu and I stayed home with the boyfriend praying that other places had a similar fate. We didn’t watch the news, we didn’t even go out because I was sick. So when I arrived at the office today and saw all the reports, I was devastated.

And amidst all that I’ve read, nothing hit closer to home than what Georgia Jauslin (https://www.facebook.com/georgia.jauslin) wrote:

Status Update
By Georgia Jauslin
I didn’t want to post this but I can’t hold it in much longer. The unpopular opinion is always controversial but Facebook asked me what’s on my mind, so here it goes.

It is a wonderful trait of Filipinos to be positive and resilient in times of adversity, which is indeed an admirable aspect of the Philippine culture. However, I cannot help but feel nauseated by this CNN comment that has been so countlessly shared across social networking sites which for me, seems to make people miss the bigger picture.

Because having such “resilience” is not going to erase the facts – the facts that we have known for the last one hundred years. The Philippines is in the motherfreakin’ Ring of Fire. On top of that, we are a favorite destination for typhoons and tropical storms yet our country remains completely unprepared for such disasters. It rains for a couple of hours in Manila and the whole city gets flooded. Storms browse through our country and we remain to gamble with the odds. These things, among others, have been happening for the past decades. It’s NOTHING NEW. Yet each time disaster strikes, we act like it’s the first time.

I just don’t understand how we can remain so brainwashed to believe that somehow, things are even REMOTELY ACCEPTABLE, because somehow, we always make it through, somehow things work out fine for the Filipino people, that we forget to see what is happening right under our noses – People die. People that shouldn’t be dead are dead now. Thousands of people lost their homes and that shouldn’t be the case.

I know many people say that the government can’t control everything. The last time I criticized the government, many people didn’t take that kindly at all. But what we forget is that this is the government’s responsibility. That’s what the government is for. Something as big as this is not civil responsibility but our deserved right from the government. We cannot manage such an aggregate, macroeconomic part of our country on our own – that’s why this is the government’s responsibility. We cannot always rely on private funding and charity from local and international sources to fix these problems. It is NOT okay that corrupt government officials get to burn millions of dollars for their personal pleasures and they can’t give us an infrastructure and disaster plans that the people deserve to SURVIVE.

I think what is happening in this country is a terrible crime against humanity – a blatant neglect of the government against the people. Please don’t let any form of misguided nationalism blind you from the truth. The Filipinos are such good-natured people and the government is taking advantage of exactly that – our resilience. And the only reason why I wasted my time writing this is not to criticize or hate but because we have such a beautiful country – and we deserve better.

And I go back to thinking about what my mom used to say when she talked about her younger years. During her time, people used to care, especially the youth. They staged riots, they took to the streets whenever the government messed up. They wrote propaganda, they spread the word not meekly,  as we are now wont to do, but right where it mattered. They gave a fuck. Now, we (I) look at protesters and activists with a hint of disdain; because they dare to act, they dare to do something about the mess we’re in. And in doing so, they disrupt our lives. They cause traffic, they flood the news, their desperation sometimes nothing short of pathetic. We’ve become so jaded, so cynical that we look at these bursts of heroism as nothing more than a nuisance.

And this is exactly why nothing is happening to our country. I know there are a lot of people who think like I do. We’ve become so apathetic, so convinced that nothing will change that any thought of doing something seems futile right from the beginning, a seed doomed to die.

Not anymore. Today, my team and I began planning a benefit concert and a donation drive for the typhoon victims. I want to do something big. By myself, I know I can’t give much, but by bringing in the people around me at work and my friends and social media, I am hoping that we can give back so much more to those people.

The first step is always the most difficult. The time to act is now.

Shaken.

We live our lives thinking that we have control over it, that we are captains of our own destinies. We live thinking of a future where were are great, accomplished, happy. Our days are spent thinking of what we can do tomorrow, next week, next year. Yet, it only takes a minute to remind us that there are greater powers at work, that it will only take one second for Death to take us.

If there is one thing I’ve learned throughout this terrifying experience, it’s to always, always try to appreciate what I have today: the knowledge that I am imperfect and human but capable of kindness and compassion, the love of my family and friends, and the blessing of finding that one true love. In the end, this will be all that matters.